Letter from a future Housewife

Okay so it is over 4 months since my last post. I am officially shit.But we will move on with my most sincere apologies.

The past four months for me have been pretty hectic. I turned 18 and entered into my last year of school, I’ve written endless personal statements and applied for Uni. I partied, I regretted partying, I partied some more. I’m balancing 4 a levels on top of play rehearsals and some reminants of a social life and trying to get my future in order. I got a tattoo and a piercing, I’ve met new people and am now on the home stretch to the rest of my life.

One thing that has struck me about this past few months. is how frquently I am asked what I want to do in the future. 6 months ago I wasn’t allowed to buy my own tipex and now I am being expected to make life altering decisions all by myself. I have thought a lot about my future for a couple years now and I think I pretty much have it all worked out, I have my dream.But for some reason when I’m inform people of my aspirations I am told I am wrong. My friends, family, teachers, cat all look at me with such horror and dissapointment that one could only assume I had announced my goals to me a psychotic serial killer, prostitute who works part time kicking kittens into pins.

So Here it is internet, my god awful career choice : I want to be a housewife and stay at home mum.

Never in a million years could I have imagined that my straight edge, conservative life choice would instigate such horror. I don’t understand what is so wrong with wanting to look after my husband,cook and clean, provide the best and most supportive environment for my kids to grow up in and create a traditional family environment in a twenty first century world.

Here are the responses I have recieved and my responses to them:

“But you are so much more intelligent then that” “you could do so much more”
My first issue with these statements, are that I resent the implication that a housewife, is such because of little or no other career opportunities. There are probably several other things that I could do, some of them may even be interessting and incredibly worth while, but they aren’t what I want to do.Emily Davidson didn’t throw herself in front of a horse so that every woman could grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer, she did so that women gained the right to do what they wanted with their lives, to give them the freedom of independacne of thought and to make their own dreams come true. I dream of housewifery, i don’t see that my IQ should prevent me from the same free will that everybody else has. i would also refute the “so much more” call me old fashioned but I don’t think there is anything more important than raising a child and I do feel that whenever possbile it should be treated as a full time job. I will be on the PTA, I will have a bumper sticker saying the taxi of mum, I will make sure you have a special packed lunch on your birthday. No I do not want to be a brain surgeon or an astonaught but I will do my best to raise my children so that they may choose to be.

“Do you really want to be controlled by a man”
Really the short answer is yes. I haven’t been hit with the femanism stick yet. But I will try to be more eloquent in my response. I don’t consider it control, I would look at it more like dependance with trust. I would rely on my husband for financial support, but at the same time I would consider it a two way street, I would work to make his life easier, the cooking and cleaning, talking about issues at work, looking after our family and possible pets. While from the outside it would look as if a housewife were free loading off the hard work of the husband, the support system goes both ways, if she were to leave he also would find himself in trouble.

“Did you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce”
Yes I did. But I also know that figure does not exculde, drunken mistakes, marriages at a young age, those marrying for citizenship and those marrying due to unplanned pergnancy. These kinds of marriages which are becoming increasingly more popular will drag up that divorce statisitcs for miles, couple that with the fact that more and more couples are choosing to remain lifepartners rather than ‘tie the knot’ and of course the odds aren’t in your favour. But look at the marriages that have stayed together, thought out, planned, yes there are casulties, but that risk is true if you get married with the intention to work or not. I will just have to find the right person and hope for the best. I resent the comments I get calling me niave and foolish for expecting such a relationship in the twenty first century, I could almost understand if I was saying I wanted to find a husband now at the feeble age of 18, but I’m not and I don’t consider it to much to ask that when I do find someone to marry me i expect it to be for life. I don’t see why anyone would enter into a marriage that they view to have an expiration date. I would also like to point out, that should my huband and I split, I do intend on attending university before I get married, I will work until I get married and then should I ever not be married, I will attempt to work again. Many individuals don’t seem to understand that by becoming a housewife you do not surrender your own skills and identity, you simple choose to work in a team.

“You make me sick”
I had no real responce to this one, it just made me giggle.

Call me old fashioned (please really do I would love nothing more than to be a good old 50s housewife) but I don’t understand how my jokes about dropping out of school and becoming a prostitute are met with less objection than that of my housewife aspirations. Maybe its feminism gone wild or simply that cath kidston aprons are out of fashion. So please if you were reading this thinking that I am wasting my life away aspiring to nothing more than a glorified sandwich maker, please don’t. Life is about discovering what makes you happy and finding away to make that a part of your everyday life. I enjoy looking after people, cooking, cleaning and organising. I like the feeling that my efforts have improved someone else’s day. I don’t need a uniform or a work christmas party, while an assistant would be fun and a boss to complain about would amuse me. I would rather spend my days looking after those I care about most in the world.

5 Tips to Avoid Being a Dating Abomination

So my post a couple months ago “5 signs that she likes you”  received quite a few hits, this left me thinking that maybe that’s the kind of thing I should be writing about. So this maybe the most cringy cliché thing I have ever written, but it also maybe where my time is best spent. I don’t claim to be an expert on relationships, dating, canoodling in bars ect, but I have been a teen for long enough, seen enough rom-coms and read enough trashy romance novels to be able to offer a little insight or just highlight things that really should be obvious but for some reason aren’t.

I don’t pretend to speak for the whole of women kind here, not even the whole of 13-19 year old females in the UK, but I feel I can give a few little views that might help avoid some of the “disgustingly cringy, face in hands, head banging against the wall. curl up in a ball and die” moments.

Here it goes, some points I would like to raise that will help the teenage dating years go a little smoother. I would also like to point out that my perspective is a girls so these tips are mainly for the guys out there. I am an (almost) 18 years old girl from London I am fairly conservative and traditional in my views, this is what I think we want.

1) MAKE THE FIRST MOVE

I cannot stress this enough, I don’t care what century it is: You have to go first, if it’s talking to us in a bar/party/school it doesn’t matter. In the same way you should call first, add us on facebook, follow us on twitter, don’t make us go first. Be a gentleman and help us from having to embarrass to put ourselves out there. I know it seems old-fashioned and I’m sure some girls love to make the first move. Not me, no. na ah. In the same way guys should still open the door for us, they should be the ones to introduce themselves to us. You are less afraid of rejection than us, and I personally promise if you come up to me and make the first move I will be polite and friendly. I appreciate how much it takes to do so, even if I will not do it myself. Just gunna put it out there guys, we know it takes guts, so a brave gesture is never a bad way to start a relationship.

2) COMPLIMENTS NOT CRIPPLING CLICHÉS

Lets not start out with a lie here guys. Most girls love compliments and she will remember them if delivered properly. However I have sat through enough blood curdling sittings of “Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging” to feel the need to emphasis the difference between complimenting a girl and trailing off a hundred movie clichés that she can see straight through. Here is a list of good and bad lines:

One last point I would like to make on the matter of compliments is everything in moderation. One or two are nice when spread out over a period of time but when you start trailing them off one after another it just gets awkward and appears insincere.

3) KISSING 101

Okay so I have a few points to make here and this is a point where I really want to stress that I am not an expert. I am aware that members of my family read this blog, so first of all Hi guys and second of all please do not get the wrong idea about me. Observations of others, telly and minimal personal experience.

i) Don’t ask to kiss us or announce that the action is coming. I don’t know what dodgy romance shows you guys have been watching but trust me it is not good. You’ll ruin the moment, making it predictable and boring, keep some spontaneity in the room and just go for it. I’m not saying just go up to a randomer and grab her face but if you are talking to a girl and the mood seems right then go for it, if you read it wrong she will let you know but she would have done that anyway, at least this way you appear the alpha and are not asking for permission to get it on. Grow a pair and go for it, I don’t know what Made in Chelsea feat. Sandra Bullock movie you saw that move on but in the real world; it’s not working for you.

ii) This second one is one I urge you to take on board and is sort of in two parts, but I swear I’ll keep it brief. Firstly don’t assume that every girl you meet at a party is drunk enough to want to get with you, the amount of times I have been the designated sober at a party and a guy has just come up and licked my face without any introduction. NO. This is unacceptable, while I have previously stressed that guys should make the first move this is not it. Get to know her  (name at the VERY least). My second point and if it is vulgar I really do apologise, easy on the tongue. I have deflected and seen deflected enough of these ‘moves’ to know that you are going in for too much too soon.

iii) My final input on this issue is to know what you’re doing with your hands. Not in a gross way just to have them rigidly  at your sides is just too awkward to watch. By no means am I saying a good grope is what you should be up to. Waist, Back, Hips, Neck these are all same places that will make the situation far less awkward. This was a little one, but it needed to be said.

4) DON’T FREAKING LIE

Just don’t do it. It’s not needed and your ass is gunna get caught eventually. If it’s about your job, relationship status, hobbies, fidelity just tell the truth. Chances are it doesn’t matter or if it does then better to get it out early rather than later. Just want to make the point that most of aren’t that great at poker. Meaning you have a tell, a sign that you’re lying and chances are its pretty damn obvious. So just tell the truth, it may not be as impressive and flattering but it is what’s necessary. Also there is no point in lying about things to make you seem like the perfect guy because it may backfire putting a girl off because she feels she could never compare to you or that you international basketball player & Brain surgeon will get bored with her. So do us all a favor and tell the bloody truth.

5)  CHECK PLEASE 

This may be  a bit of a controversial issue and there maybe a few girls reading this pulling their hair out and screaming about the twenty-first century. I am not saying girls should expect guys to pay and certainly not every time they go out, some women may not even want to be paid for. But it is a nice gesture, on the first date if the girl is treated. GIRLS do not kick up a fuss if he doesn’t pay, it is not law or the required thing and should be appreciated if it happens but not to be expected, so bring cash with you, don’t be ‘that girl’. Now the guy shouldn’t have to pay on every date and defiantly after the relationship has formed splitting the bill or even you treating him should be the done thing. Also guys don’t make a big deal out of it, be gracious and subtle, do not go on and on. I know it may seem like a small thing but it is the little things that can make a difference.

5 signs that she likes you

This isn’t a post about helping you find true love. It’s a list of tips to help point out the fakers. I am speaking here from a female perspective (because really that’s the only one I have). Its not a sin to appreciate attention and most girls wouldn’t admit it but as much we complain  about it, we actually love male attention. I’m not talking about someone following you around worshiping the ground you walk on or kissing your feet. No just the odd passing glance or the wolf whistle from a white van. Such attention can literally make a day.

But this attention often isn’t enough for some girls. They need more, a guy who will always reply to texts, someone who will tell them they are pretty when they complain about being fat or who will go shopping with them if they send an (all too seductive) winky face at the end of a text. A lot  of girls may not realise they are doing something wrong in this, its not stringing him a long if you never make clear indications of your feelings, then it is just a simple misunderstanding.

I’m not saying I’m not guilty of this, there are people in my life I have avoided being 100% honest because I enjoy the feeling that they desire my company. However, I do feel this is incredibly unfair to guys everywhere. I have been a teenage girl for nearly 5 years and still have no idea what we’re on about. We complain constantly about guys being dishonest or confusing or indecisive; but are we any different really? So here are some hints for guys, for if you think a girl likes you but you’re not really sure, I’m not saying if she does all five she is defiantly into you but it could be helpful. Now I may be kicked out of the girl club for disclosing this information, my membership ripped up in front of my eyes and the bitching skills I have acquired over the years now wasted with no ‘sisters’ to share them with. But I feel it needs saying.

No longer should we be confused over who is flirtatious and tactile and who is hopelessly in love with us. There will always be exceptions to the rules but there will also be girls who follow the rules to the tee.

1)  Does she text you first?

Texting first is a traumatic ordeal for most girls. It is a clear indication that even in the world of snapchat and facebook chivalry is dead. It is awful to have to put yourself out there and be open to rejection. On whats app when you sit and watch as the two little ticks for read message appear and you pray for a response.  No girl wants to look desperate and show a need for your company, but if she likes you enough she will swallow her pride and hit send. It may also be the case that she doesn’t just start a conversation with “hi, how are you?” she will find something funny, or shocking or a question to lead with, trying to get you on her side from the word go.

2) How quickly does she respond?

From personal experience the speed of reply is generally reflective of how much she likes you. This isn’t to say that if she takes ages to reply she just doesn’t care. Normally, the first response will be the quickest (depending if she has her phone to hand) she wants to show you that she is there, she is available and happy to talk to you. However, after this if she is into you, she will start to mirror your response time. This all goes back to the whole not wanting to appear desperate, if it takes you five or ten minutes to reply to a message then she will leave it five or ten minutes, to  reply, she doesn’t want to appear more into the conversation than you are. She may be sitting timing it on her watch starring at the unopened message but until the time is up she isn’t going to look too keen. Alternatively if she views you as more of a friend she will probably reply instantly or when she has the chance, she is unafraid of appearing keen or similarly uninterested in your messages, she will reply when she needs something.

3) Does she talk about other guys?

Contrasting to what you may think if a girl likes you she is more likely to mention other guys in your conversations, they may not even be real, or if they are real then her friendship with them exaggerated for your benefit. She wants you to see her as highly desired, to plant the idea in your mind that other guys want her so you should to. Essentially she is trying to make you jealous. If she is really clever she will play up the name of one guy making you very aware of them, then if you ask about them she will turn it around on you. Make no mistake girls are manipulative as hell, but its because evolution has made us this way. The ancient theory of “playing hard to get” is one very much in practice in the twenty first century.

4) What is she doing when you ask what she is up to/did today?

Dating in a modern world is essentially selling yourself (not in a prostitute kind of thing) but she has to find her USP (unique selling point for those who are not avid apprentice watchers).  So if you ask us what we are up to and we want to impress you of course we are going to lie. We will never just be watching telly or refreshing our twitter feed, we are going to be flicking through our favorite Shakespeare or brushing up on our Latin, or saving an albino orphan from a fire. We have to make ourselves sound impressive. Yes its dishonest and the wrong way to go about things and we are all sinners gone to burn in hell, but it sounds an awful lot better than sitting on the sofa in a onesie watching re-runs of friends. If her response to “wuu2” is “nm” she’s not interested (also please note my attempt to be down with the lingo there. I’m so hip) .

5) Is she nice to you?

This one is an old classic. Treat em’ mean keep em’ keen. But in all its clichéd glory it rings some truth. If you’re just a friend (not a close friend, but one she would wave to in the street) then she is going to be polite, she will spare your feelings, bite her tounge  and avoid causing offence. If you’re the man of her dreams she is going to make you cry. The sarcasm fairy will come to town, remarks, snide comments, laughter at your expense will all make an appearance. But remember its only because we care. I’ll admit this can be a difficult one to read, because she may just hate you.

I hope this helped and that I’ve shared a little bit of wisdom on the eternal mystery that is females. Then again this could all just be another mind game we as a gender have worked together to create. Or I could be a liar, or a sociopath or a man. You never can tell with the internet.

Makings of a Modern Horror

There is nothing I love more than getting in to some comfy clothes, ordering take out and sitting down in front of the telly and getting scared. I am not talking, oh God a double dip recession, what about the mortgage scared. I mean, sweaty palms, shiver down your spine, scream aloud scared. I want to jump out of my skin, hide my face in a pillow and grab the hand of the person sat next to me. This may not be particularly feminine of  me, but if I have to watch one more chick flick where the nerdy girl with bad eyebrows realises her inner beauty and feels the need to sing about it I will start flipping tables.

I Think one of the reasons I like movies like this so much is that they are pretty much all the same. That sounds odd, because well they’re not. But in so many ways, they are just one movie over and over again. They all have different, plots and casts and soundtracks but there are certain things that we have come to expect from the modern horror movie. Like a safety blanket on a holiday abroad. We are experiencing something new and exciting for the first time, but there are still home comforts so we don’t feel completely alone.

So here is a list of several of what I consider to be the makings of a Modern Horror. You may disagree, In which case feel free to comment below and share your thoughts, or you may have other points that you wish to add, again comment below.

1)      The Light in an abandoned house

This will normally come at the beginning of the film, and is generally a room on the top floor, occasionally it will be accompanied by a face at the window, but regardless is guaranteed to make you jump.

2)      The ‘Victim’ will be wearing a white vest top at the time of main attack

I have several theories as to why this is the case, however I think it is probable that it just shows blood and injury effectively. So good job costume department, thinking ahead. I also feel that in the case where the victim is female, it gives a chance to emphasis her chest when she may not otherwise be looking all that attractive. However, I think it is mostly just a blood thing.

3)      Someone will play an instrument at some point

Maybe this is to lighten the mood or build atmosphere or something, but there is normally some kind of band or ensemble. All I know is if I have to see one more Hollywood actress pretend BADLY to play the guitar I may pull my hair out. I don’t understand that if It is not essential to the story and they can’t actually play, why make them play?

4)      The ‘bad guy’ will appear to be dead and then lunge when you get close

This is the point where, even if at the movies we all go back to our panto roots and start yelling at the screen. I personally adopt a sort of Eddie Murphy in Shrek voice and start going ‘You know he ain’t dead, why you be approaching him, look at him he just sleepy, he gunna get cho’. Some of my finer voice over work if I do say so myself

5)      Someone will get a missed call

This will be unlike any call you have ever missed, ever! The person being called can never just have left their phone on silent, or have gotten in the shower. No, this missed call is the biggest sign in the whole movie that S*** is about to go down. Maybe, it is just me but I miss more calls than I answer, people need to calm the hell down , doesn’t mean they are being brutally murdered just that they don’t have their phone permanently stapled to their hands.

6)      It will rain

I love a bit of prophetic fallacy in a film, don’t you? It is never light rain, it pours like It has never rained before, and you will suddenly have an over whelming need to be outside during this weather . Unlike the rest of us normal folk who when it rains with such enthusiasm, just make a cup of coco and hide away until the sun is shining. It just proves that no good can come from going outside in the rain.

7)      There will be a creepy black and white flash back.

This can be a result of one of two things. We can be going back to a dark moment in the killers past, to see what made them so terrible and twisted in the first place, maybe they were bullied as a child or exposed to deadly gases as a teen. Or we can be seeing a troubling part of the victims past, something they had repressed due to pain but that comes flooding back when the delve in to the life of their mysterious neighbour. Either way, budgeting seems to have been cut for these flash backs as they are never in colour and the sound quality is appalling, very echoy.

8)      The words ‘scream all you want, no one can hear you’ will be uttered in some form or another

That is the classic line. I don’t care what you say if it doesn’t appear at some point in the movie then the movie wasn’t worth watching. I think its brilliant and I would love to know who first said it. It just has so much of an impact if well delivered. I don’t care if it is cliché or over used, it is a classic for a reason.

9)      There will be a sheriff with a moustache

Okay so I am from the UK, maybe it is different here I don’t know. But not many people here have moustaches, and what facial hair you have isn’t dependent on your vocation. So will some American please explain to me why in nearly every horror I watch there is a Sheriff called Bill with a caterpillar on his upper lip. I guess they pick people with short names to be sheriff because It means the badges are cheaper?  But still, the Moustache is that really necessary? Maybe it’s a culture thing and I’m missing it.

10)   At some point there will come a stage when you think ‘don’t look behind that door’

Again my inner Eddie Murphy emerges. ‘Don’t do it. Just turn around and keep walking, go home. Make a cup of tea! Don’t you turn that handle. No rainbows live behind that door. Don’t do it’ I think it is a coping device personally. By being annoyed that they didn’t follow our advice and went ahead and opened the door anyway, we can have an almost nonchalant attitude to their impending doom, thinking quietly to ourselves ‘well I told you not to go in there’.

So they are my ten, let me know if you have any more or disagree with the above. I would also like to emphasise that I am not being critical in the slightest, moments like these are the reason I love horror movies!

10 Promises to my future children.

I think like everyone growing up there are things I wish my parents had done differently, taken more notice of and pushed me to do more. I am sure that if they had there would be other things that I resented, because let’s face it we are never going to be completely content with our upbringing. But here I am going to make a list of promises to my future children. That way if they find it when they are older they will know that it was never my intention to ruin their lives, or make their childhood a misery. From the age of 17 I have looked upon parenthood with the intention of success. 

1) I promise to document everything 

As much as I am camera shy, it always saddens me that my family has never been one for photo albums and home movies. It’s not a huge thing, but I hate that I can’t just sit down with some nostalgic music like they do in the movies and reflect on the past in a really sappy and cliché way. So to my kids I swear I will take a photo of everything. Nothing will be missed, no certificate misplaced or Home movie recorded over. 

2) I will make your house a home

Excuse me for sounding like a furniture advertisement. But, I want the place my children grow up in to be somewhere they can relax and feel comfortable. A safe place at the end of a long day. My house is very plain. The walls are white, the mantel place decorated with tasteful tea lights. There are no photos, or clues that this is more than just a show house. It is tastefully decorated and a pleasant place to live. But it will always be a house and not a home. 

3) We will go on family trips.

I am sure these are hell to organize and that when we come to having them I will want to pull my hair out, but I want to be able to have those family stories ‘remember that time when….’ and ‘wasn’t it funny when….’. If it is a trip to the movies, a stroll to the zoo or an extravaganza to the beach, we will go as a family. 

4) I will encourage you to have a talent

I am average at a lot of things. But there is nothing that I am great at. I wish that from a young age my parents had encouraged me to follow one particular activity. I don’t care if you want to swim or dance, play the cello or run marathons. But I want you to have your thing, something to talk about, to turn to in times of stress and bring you happiness. I want it to teach you discipline and respect and I want you to enjoy it, to have it build you as a person. 

5) We will eat as a family

It may not always be possible and there will most defiantly be the odd night where it is a take away on the sofa, but I promise that we will eat together without the television in the corner, we will talk and share things and be comfortable in each other’s company. 

6)  We will have family traditions 

It may be a movie, every first Saturday of the month or Going shopping before your first day back at school, but we will have little traditions that we can continue throughout your life. Because it is the little things like that you remember, how every Saturday you were woken with pancakes or how on Friday night you took it in turns to pick the evening’s movie. They aren’t big things and I am sure we will slip up at times, but they will be worth the effort. I hope 

7) I will take an interest in your school work

I have always been a really independent person and much prefer to get on with things on my own and proceed at my own pace. As much as this works for me, it is a lonely way to be. I sit in my room and work things out for myself. When I don’t understand I go to Google and when I am proud of work I tweet about it, sharing my pride with a faceless crowd. I don’t want my children to have to grow up like that. I am going to be sat at the front of all their plays and recitals and assembly’s. I will help them learn their lines and be supportive when they have a test the next day. I don’t want them to have to go through their educations feeling like they have to do it alone.

8) I will read to you every night

I want you to love reading. This is something my parents did for me and I will forever be grateful for. There are few greater pleasures in life than becoming fully immersed in a good book. To be able to feel what the character is feeling and see what they are seeing. To develop your imagination in this way will help get you through in times of need and hurt. Reading expands your vocabulary and gives you a sense of culture that will serve you well in life. I thank my parents for reading to me and filling my house with books to spark an interest in me from a young age. I don’t want books to be a thing you dread about school, I want them to be something you love about life.

9) I promise to have fun with you

This sounds obvious, but it really isn’t. I want you to be respectful and have manners, I want you to know limits and respond to authority. But I also want you to be able to relax around me, to form a bond that is stronger than arguments about bed times and pocket money. There will be times when we fight and when you feel like you hate me, there will even be times when I shout. But I want us to be able to laugh and giggle together, to have private jokes and play fighting. I don’t want us to fall in the trap of formality that is only to familiar in my life. Family should be close and comfortable around each other. I want us to have that.

10) I Promise not to spoil you

As much as I want you to enjoy life and to look forward to everyday, do not become complacent. Do not expect special treatment or for me to say yes all of the time, because then you will come to resent me when it does not happen. Occasionally I may make your lunch for school, or pick you up unexpectedly when you were going to have to get the bus, but for the most part I want you to be self-reliant and independent. Yes on your birthday and Christmas you will get spoilt, but do not expect to be. Be thankful for what you have and be proud at working hard for what you earn. You will have jobs around the house and occasionally they will be time consuming, but I will not be giving them to you because I am lazy but because I want to teach you responsibly. It will serve you well in life.     

So, they are my ten promises and I will do my best to keep them. I don’t really know why I feel those ten particular things are so important, but they just are.

 

I feel the need to get some commenting going on here, so if you have a spare 5 minutes post your ten promises.