5 Tips to Avoid Being a Dating Abomination

So my post a couple months ago “5 signs that she likes you”  received quite a few hits, this left me thinking that maybe that’s the kind of thing I should be writing about. So this maybe the most cringy cliché thing I have ever written, but it also maybe where my time is best spent. I don’t claim to be an expert on relationships, dating, canoodling in bars ect, but I have been a teen for long enough, seen enough rom-coms and read enough trashy romance novels to be able to offer a little insight or just highlight things that really should be obvious but for some reason aren’t.

Blog Dating Disaster


I don’t pretend to speak for the whole of women kind here, not even the whole of 13-19 year old females in the UK, but I feel I can give a few little views that might help avoid some of the “disgustingly cringy, face in hands, head banging against the wall. curl up in a ball and die” moments.

Here it goes, some points I would like to raise that will help the teenage dating years go a little smoother. I would also like to point out that my perspective is a girls so these tips are mainly for the guys out there. I am an (almost) 18 years old girl from London I am fairly conservative and traditional in my views, this is what I think we want.

1) MAKE THE FIRST MOVE

I cannot stress this enough, I don’t care what century it is: You have to go first, if it’s talking to us in a bar/party/school it doesn’t matter. In the same way you should call first, add us on facebook, follow us on twitter, don’t make us go first. Be a gentleman and help us from having to embarrass to put ourselves out there. I know it seems old-fashioned and I’m sure some girls love to make the first move. Not me, no. na ah. In the same way guys should still open the door for us, they should be the ones to introduce themselves to us. You are less afraid of rejection than us, and I personally promise if you come up to me and make the first move I will be polite and friendly. I appreciate how much it takes to do so, even if I will not do it myself. Just gunna put it out there guys, we know it takes guts, so a brave gesture is never a bad way to start a relationship.

2) COMPLIMENTS NOT CRIPPLING CLICHÉS

Lets not start out with a lie here guys. Most girls love compliments and she will remember them if delivered properly. However I have sat through enough blood curdling sittings of “Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging” to feel the need to emphasis the difference between complimenting a girl and trailing off a hundred movie clichés that she can see straight through. Here is a list of good and bad lines:

One last point I would like to make on the matter of compliments is everything in moderation. One or two are nice when spread out over a period of time but when you start trailing them off one after another it just gets awkward and appears insincere.

3) KISSING 101

Okay so I have a few points to make here and this is a point where I really want to stress that I am not an expert. I am aware that members of my family read this blog, so first of all Hi guys and second of all please do not get the wrong idea about me. Observations of others, telly and minimal personal experience.

i) Don’t ask to kiss us or announce that the action is coming. I don’t know what dodgy romance shows you guys have been watching but trust me it is not good. You’ll ruin the moment, making it predictable and boring, keep some spontaneity in the room and just go for it. I’m not saying just go up to a randomer and grab her face but if you are talking to a girl and the mood seems right then go for it, if you read it wrong she will let you know but she would have done that anyway, at least this way you appear the alpha and are not asking for permission to get it on. Grow a pair and go for it, I don’t know what Made in Chelsea feat. Sandra Bullock movie you saw that move on but in the real world; it’s not working for you.

ii) This second one is one I urge you to take on board and is sort of in two parts, but I swear I’ll keep it brief. Firstly don’t assume that every girl you meet at a party is drunk enough to want to get with you, the amount of times I have been the designated sober at a party and a guy has just come up and licked my face without any introduction. NO. This is unacceptable, while I have previously stressed that guys should make the first move this is not it. Get to know her  (name at the VERY least). My second point and if it is vulgar I really do apologise, easy on the tongue. I have deflected and seen deflected enough of these ‘moves’ to know that you are going in for too much too soon.

iii) My final input on this issue is to know what you’re doing with your hands. Not in a gross way just to have them rigidly  at your sides is just too awkward to watch. By no means am I saying a good grope is what you should be up to. Waist, Back, Hips, Neck these are all same places that will make the situation far less awkward. This was a little one, but it needed to be said.

4) DON’T FREAKING LIE

Just don’t do it. It’s not needed and your ass is gunna get caught eventually. If it’s about your job, relationship status, hobbies, fidelity just tell the truth. Chances are it doesn’t matter or if it does then better to get it out early rather than later. Just want to make the point that most of aren’t that great at poker. Meaning you have a tell, a sign that you’re lying and chances are its pretty damn obvious. So just tell the truth, it may not be as impressive and flattering but it is what’s necessary. Also there is no point in lying about things to make you seem like the perfect guy because it may backfire putting a girl off because she feels she could never compare to you or that you international basketball player & Brain surgeon will get bored with her. So do us all a favor and tell the bloody truth.

5)  CHECK PLEASE 

This may be  a bit of a controversial issue and there maybe a few girls reading this pulling their hair out and screaming about the twenty-first century. I am not saying girls should expect guys to pay and certainly not every time they go out, some women may not even want to be paid for. But it is a nice gesture, on the first date if the girl is treated. GIRLS do not kick up a fuss if he doesn’t pay, it is not law or the required thing and should be appreciated if it happens but not to be expected, so bring cash with you, don’t be ‘that girl’. Now the guy shouldn’t have to pay on every date and defiantly after the relationship has formed splitting the bill or even you treating him should be the done thing. Also guys don’t make a big deal out of it, be gracious and subtle, do not go on and on. I know it may seem like a small thing but it is the little things that can make a difference.

Indecent Indirets

Okay so I want to clear a few things up about my previous post ‘I like you I like you not’. I have had 3 guys inbox me since and ask if it is about them. It’s not. Sorry. But no. For the record none of these guys had any kind of interest in me but they were all to happy that they could add a name to their list of admirers. But to these guys I say “don’t worry, none of you are the object of my affection so you can save the ‘I like you, I just don’t like like you’ speech it is not needed. ”

I never post my blog on facebook because I feel to self concious of people I don’t know that will reading it. However, Twitter is a place where I feel that if you follow me you choose to hear my thoughts so my blog is just an extension of this and so Twitter is just a place where I can shamelessly plug for viewers. However, the post question is clearly aimed at a specific person and I wouldn’t want to make them uncomfortable by having them stumble upon it in my tweets so rest assured the person referred to in my posts does not have Twitter, or at least not to my knowledge.

It is almost comical the people that have asked if this post has been about them, even though nothing in it is reflective of our reationship. Maybe it is something about guys that they are willing to see themselves in a flattering light. Where as a post could name me personally but if it is the slightest bit complimentary it is either a cruel joke or about a different Catty. I am jealous of people’s (of the majority males) ability to see the good in themselves.

Although it was annoying trying to convince guys for the past week that the post was not about them, as of course they all think I am just lying to them to save myself embarressment, I suppose I brought it on myself. I started this blog to be honest and although my post was revealing it was a shamful indirect. If I am going to give away my personal feeling I need to be in or out. Full disclosure or generalised comments, no specific examples. The politics of blogging is just to great. In all honesty I didn’t think anyone would ever read it, regardless of how often I hounded them on Twitter. So I never thought I would have to worry about being discrete. But it is unfair to the people I am talking about to name and shame them and force my emotion upon them.

So rest assured if you are reading this you’re not my secret love *relief sweeps over you*

Also sorry to anyone who read this and could literally not care less, but I felt I owed an explanation.

Lesson Learnt: No More Indirects.

Makings of a Modern Horror

There is nothing I love more than getting in to some comfy clothes, ordering take out and sitting down in front of the telly and getting scared. I am not talking, oh God a double dip recession, what about the mortgage scared. I mean, sweaty palms, shiver down your spine, scream aloud scared. I want to jump out of my skin, hide my face in a pillow and grab the hand of the person sat next to me. This may not be particularly feminine of  me, but if I have to watch one more chick flick where the nerdy girl with bad eyebrows realises her inner beauty and feels the need to sing about it I will start flipping tables.

I Think one of the reasons I like movies like this so much is that they are pretty much all the same. That sounds odd, because well they’re not. But in so many ways, they are just one movie over and over again. They all have different, plots and casts and soundtracks but there are certain things that we have come to expect from the modern horror movie. Like a safety blanket on a holiday abroad. We are experiencing something new and exciting for the first time, but there are still home comforts so we don’t feel completely alone.

So here is a list of several of what I consider to be the makings of a Modern Horror. You may disagree, In which case feel free to comment below and share your thoughts, or you may have other points that you wish to add, again comment below.

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1)      The Light in an abandoned house

This will normally come at the beginning of the film, and is generally a room on the top floor, occasionally it will be accompanied by a face at the window, but regardless is guaranteed to make you jump.

2)      The ‘Victim’ will be wearing a white vest top at the time of main attack

I have several theories as to why this is the case, however I think it is probable that it just shows blood and injury effectively. So good job costume department, thinking ahead. I also feel that in the case where the victim is female, it gives a chance to emphasis her chest when she may not otherwise be looking all that attractive. However, I think it is mostly just a blood thing.

3)      Someone will play an instrument at some point

Maybe this is to lighten the mood or build atmosphere or something, but there is normally some kind of band or ensemble. All I know is if I have to see one more Hollywood actress pretend BADLY to play the guitar I may pull my hair out. I don’t understand that if It is not essential to the story and they can’t actually play, why make them play?

4)      The ‘bad guy’ will appear to be dead and then lunge when you get close

This is the point where, even if at the movies we all go back to our panto roots and start yelling at the screen. I personally adopt a sort of Eddie Murphy in Shrek voice and start going ‘You know he ain’t dead, why you be approaching him, look at him he just sleepy, he gunna get cho’. Some of my finer voice over work if I do say so myself

5)      Someone will get a missed call

This will be unlike any call you have ever missed, ever! The person being called can never just have left their phone on silent, or have gotten in the shower. No, this missed call is the biggest sign in the whole movie that S*** is about to go down. Maybe, it is just me but I miss more calls than I answer, people need to calm the hell down , doesn’t mean they are being brutally murdered just that they don’t have their phone permanently stapled to their hands.

6)      It will rain

I love a bit of prophetic fallacy in a film, don’t you? It is never light rain, it pours like It has never rained before, and you will suddenly have an over whelming need to be outside during this weather . Unlike the rest of us normal folk who when it rains with such enthusiasm, just make a cup of coco and hide away until the sun is shining. It just proves that no good can come from going outside in the rain.

7)      There will be a creepy black and white flash back.

This can be a result of one of two things. We can be going back to a dark moment in the killers past, to see what made them so terrible and twisted in the first place, maybe they were bullied as a child or exposed to deadly gases as a teen. Or we can be seeing a troubling part of the victims past, something they had repressed due to pain but that comes flooding back when the delve in to the life of their mysterious neighbour. Either way, budgeting seems to have been cut for these flash backs as they are never in colour and the sound quality is appalling, very echoy.

8)      The words ‘scream all you want, no one can hear you’ will be uttered in some form or another

That is the classic line. I don’t care what you say if it doesn’t appear at some point in the movie then the movie wasn’t worth watching. I think its brilliant and I would love to know who first said it. It just has so much of an impact if well delivered. I don’t care if it is cliché or over used, it is a classic for a reason.

9)      There will be a sheriff with a moustache

Okay so I am from the UK, maybe it is different here I don’t know. But not many people here have moustaches, and what facial hair you have isn’t dependent on your vocation. So will some American please explain to me why in nearly every horror I watch there is a Sheriff called Bill with a caterpillar on his upper lip. I guess they pick people with short names to be sheriff because It means the badges are cheaper?  But still, the Moustache is that really necessary? Maybe it’s a culture thing and I’m missing it.

10)   At some point there will come a stage when you think ‘don’t look behind that door’

Again my inner Eddie Murphy emerges. ‘Don’t do it. Just turn around and keep walking, go home. Make a cup of tea! Don’t you turn that handle. No rainbows live behind that door. Don’t do it’ I think it is a coping device personally. By being annoyed that they didn’t follow our advice and went ahead and opened the door anyway, we can have an almost nonchalant attitude to their impending doom, thinking quietly to ourselves ‘well I told you not to go in there’.

So they are my ten, let me know if you have any more or disagree with the above. I would also like to emphasise that I am not being critical in the slightest, moments like these are the reason I love horror movies!

Bus Behaviour

We have all done it; spoken that little but louder on the bus when some one hot is sat near us. Whether in a group or on the phone, our conversation will become that little bit more opinionated and just a tad pretentious. So much about our natural instincts tells us to shrink in to the background, walk with our heads down and avoid eye content. But there is something about public transport that brings out the attention seeker in us all. My behaviour on buses puzzles me, in some ways I feel the most confident I ever do, but then I also think I am at my most concious of people judgeing me. I won’t deny that in the past on my way home from school I have carried my most intelligent book in my arms not in my bag, I have made sure I am listening to good music in case you can hear it through my ear phones and I have looked through photos on my phone to make ot appear like I have people to text. I think I feel so obliged to keep up appearanceson the bus because I know how much I judge people on the bus. Normally it is harmless, I get bored so I sit and make up soap opera like back stories for those sat around me, but I will admit that occasionally my analysis is less than complimentary. Is it my own actions that have made me so self concious? Am I the creator of my own insecurities? Am I the reason I put on this pretentious persona? Why do I make things so difficult for myself?