It’s all relative….

I could begin this post by apologising for how long it has been since I last posted one, but I feel that is getting tiresome. So instead I have come to the conclusion that this blog will be a once in a while thing, nothing too regular. I don’t want it to be that I force topics to write about and end up prattling on about things that I don’t even really have an opinion on. So you, my oh so dedicated 22 followers will just have to learn to live with me as a guest appearance every now and then on your reader list.

This post is one I have debated writing for a really long time. It is more personal than I would usually go and for that reason will not be posting the link on my personal twitter account as I do not wish my family to read it for fear it may upset them.

 For this reason I will make a disclaimer now that if you are in anyway related to me and reading this PLEASE STOP NOW, or if like the cat you are desperately curious continue at your own risk and please do not ever tell me that you read this.  

I am going to tread carefully while writing. I think with post regarding self harm there is a huge danger of falling into the cliche category. Not to devalue anyones personal suffering, please know that that is not at all the intention of this post, quite the opposite in fact. But this is not a post referring to my current behaviour, a cry for help or a cuts for Bieber promotion. I decided not to post this a few months ago and then realised that if any one person could read this an come to the realisation that their feelings are valid then I have done a hugely worth while thing. I am not out to change the world, I don’t think I am in anyway wise or qualified in these matters. I have limited experience and incomplete knowledge of the inner working of the human mind. But if I can make life just that little bit easier for one person then I have done all I set out to do. 

I am now 18 years of age. I have never really gone through any real tragedy in my life, I live with both my parents who are still together. I have an older sister who I am really close with. I now have a secure group of friends, I am healthy, reasonably intelligent, I live in a nice house with some cats and I order online clothes more often than I should. But I wasn’t happy. At the age of 13-17 I was miserable and the worst part was I had absolutely no reason to be. Sure I didn’t have that many friends, but when looking back on my behaviour I don’t really think I deserved them. I wasn’t hugely nice. I mean I didn’t punch anyone in the face and call their mum a slag, but I also didn’t do people favours, take an interest in their lives. I think I was probably a bit superior, for no real reason but I was.

I can’t really remember when I first hurt myself. I never created great gashes in my wrists, my life was never endangered by my behaviour, but my behaviour still wasn’t right. I think the fact that my behaviour wasn’t as severe as others was part of the problem. I am hugely lucky that my scars faded and I have no real physical reminders of them now, but the mildness of my behaviour caused me to hate myself more. I saw it as weak that I couldn’t take a knife to my skin so I cut more. I remember when I was about 15, which is probably when it was at its worst, each night I would get in to bed and decide what the worst thing I had done that day was, if I had eaten to much I was “greedy” if I was snappy with people I was a “Bitch” or if I did poorly on a test I was a “failure” I would then take a pin and cut this word into my stomach. The stomach seemed a safe bet, I didn’t really go swimming or wear revealing clothing so it was a safe bet that no one would see it; it was a private punishment, a way of reminding myself of my weaknesses. I often hear when people talk about their self abuse people ask about the pain and yeah it did hurt at the time. But it would be the next day when a cut would rub on my clothing and I was reminded in its sting of the control I had over my body and myself. Thats why I did it; for control. 

Each cut would heal over in a couple of weeks, I was smart about it if I knew I was going to be sharing a room with someone or having to go swimming I would stop soon enough in advance for the cuts to heal over. This went on for years and I never got caught. Occasionally when I would get angry in public I would use my fingernails to cut into the back of my hand, these were less subtle and I got called out on it a couple of times, I used the old my cat scratched me excuse and I was never questioned. I don’t think its that people didn’t care, it was just that it never occurred to them that I would have reason to hurt myself. And if I’m honest I didn’t.

That’s what this post is about. That just because other people don’t understand your pain doesn’t make it invalid. I hate it when people say “Well people are starving in Africa” yes they are. I am not trying to equate my pain to that of those felt in worn torn countries or those who have just seen a loved one die. But just because what they are feeling is bad, should not take away from the pain you are feeling. Its sort of like saying that pain is a physical thing and that there are 100 pain coins in the world; your best friend moves to a distant country you get 2 pain coins, someones mum dies they get 20 pain coins, ohh wait there is a bus crash in america everybody hand in your pain coins so they can go to the grieving families. NO. One person feeling pain should not take away from another. Pain is relative, different people feel different things to different degrees, because we are DIFFERENT! 

The same goes for happiness, it is all relative. Have you ever given a 3 year old a shiny balloon, the adorable little smile on its face would melt many a broody girl’s heart. Now give a sixteen year old the same shiny balloon, all you are getting in return is a sarcastic glare. Different things make different people happy. Take me for example give me some pic n mix, a onesie and the frozen soundtrack and I’m a happy girl. Give a child in a impoverish country a class of clean water and a blanket and their happiness would flatten mine in a second. Happiness is relative, pain is relative. Do not try and devalue what you or anyone else is feeling simply because someone else is feeling it to.

That is where I fell down. I had no reason to be unhappy, I was not as unhappy as others and I was ashamed to feel unhappy because of this. Realising this didn’t cure my unhappiness it simply made me feel more unhappy about feeling unhappy. It truly was a vicious circle.  In the soppy romance films when the quarterback falls for the nerd and she looks up through her comically large glasses and asks why he loves her the line “you can’t help how you feel” is routinely given out. And for once in these movies they are talking sense. You can’t help how you feel, but it doesn’t only apply to love, you can be inexplicably happy or sad or panicked or cheeky. Don’t ever question the validity of your emotions.

I never told anyone how I felt or what I was doing to myself. I let it eat me up inside and consume me. My cuts weren’t as deep as ones on tumblr and my thoughts not as dark as the ones in films. I was ashamed to tell people, fearing I would seem attention seeking or selfish or ungrateful.  I spent so much time judging other people and hated myself for it I was afraid others would do the same to me. I haven’t cut myself in just under a year now. I was hugely lucky. I don’t have any scars and I have a lot of sympathy for those people who are open about their cutting behaviour. But I have a huge deal of empathy for those who do in secret. It is fine to feel upset by your actions because no one should have to go through what you’re going through. But don’t ever think that what you are going through doesn’t count. Tell someone, tell anyone you trust or think you can trust. Don’t be afraid that you will be judged, that you don’t have it bad enough to deserve these feelings. Insecurity and fear are not elite emotions. Everyone feels them at some time or another and its just about making sure that when you do, you don’t face them alone. 

I really hope that hasn’t come off braggy or preachy or cliche. It really is an issue that we should be focussed more on. It is monumentally important to help those who are open about their pain, it is just as important to look out for those who are ashamed to be.

5 Tips to Avoid Being a Dating Abomination

So my post a couple months ago “5 signs that she likes you”  received quite a few hits, this left me thinking that maybe that’s the kind of thing I should be writing about. So this maybe the most cringy cliché thing I have ever written, but it also maybe where my time is best spent. I don’t claim to be an expert on relationships, dating, canoodling in bars ect, but I have been a teen for long enough, seen enough rom-coms and read enough trashy romance novels to be able to offer a little insight or just highlight things that really should be obvious but for some reason aren’t.

Blog Dating Disaster


I don’t pretend to speak for the whole of women kind here, not even the whole of 13-19 year old females in the UK, but I feel I can give a few little views that might help avoid some of the “disgustingly cringy, face in hands, head banging against the wall. curl up in a ball and die” moments.

Here it goes, some points I would like to raise that will help the teenage dating years go a little smoother. I would also like to point out that my perspective is a girls so these tips are mainly for the guys out there. I am an (almost) 18 years old girl from London I am fairly conservative and traditional in my views, this is what I think we want.

1) MAKE THE FIRST MOVE

I cannot stress this enough, I don’t care what century it is: You have to go first, if it’s talking to us in a bar/party/school it doesn’t matter. In the same way you should call first, add us on facebook, follow us on twitter, don’t make us go first. Be a gentleman and help us from having to embarrass to put ourselves out there. I know it seems old-fashioned and I’m sure some girls love to make the first move. Not me, no. na ah. In the same way guys should still open the door for us, they should be the ones to introduce themselves to us. You are less afraid of rejection than us, and I personally promise if you come up to me and make the first move I will be polite and friendly. I appreciate how much it takes to do so, even if I will not do it myself. Just gunna put it out there guys, we know it takes guts, so a brave gesture is never a bad way to start a relationship.

2) COMPLIMENTS NOT CRIPPLING CLICHÉS

Lets not start out with a lie here guys. Most girls love compliments and she will remember them if delivered properly. However I have sat through enough blood curdling sittings of “Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging” to feel the need to emphasis the difference between complimenting a girl and trailing off a hundred movie clichés that she can see straight through. Here is a list of good and bad lines:

One last point I would like to make on the matter of compliments is everything in moderation. One or two are nice when spread out over a period of time but when you start trailing them off one after another it just gets awkward and appears insincere.

3) KISSING 101

Okay so I have a few points to make here and this is a point where I really want to stress that I am not an expert. I am aware that members of my family read this blog, so first of all Hi guys and second of all please do not get the wrong idea about me. Observations of others, telly and minimal personal experience.

i) Don’t ask to kiss us or announce that the action is coming. I don’t know what dodgy romance shows you guys have been watching but trust me it is not good. You’ll ruin the moment, making it predictable and boring, keep some spontaneity in the room and just go for it. I’m not saying just go up to a randomer and grab her face but if you are talking to a girl and the mood seems right then go for it, if you read it wrong she will let you know but she would have done that anyway, at least this way you appear the alpha and are not asking for permission to get it on. Grow a pair and go for it, I don’t know what Made in Chelsea feat. Sandra Bullock movie you saw that move on but in the real world; it’s not working for you.

ii) This second one is one I urge you to take on board and is sort of in two parts, but I swear I’ll keep it brief. Firstly don’t assume that every girl you meet at a party is drunk enough to want to get with you, the amount of times I have been the designated sober at a party and a guy has just come up and licked my face without any introduction. NO. This is unacceptable, while I have previously stressed that guys should make the first move this is not it. Get to know her  (name at the VERY least). My second point and if it is vulgar I really do apologise, easy on the tongue. I have deflected and seen deflected enough of these ‘moves’ to know that you are going in for too much too soon.

iii) My final input on this issue is to know what you’re doing with your hands. Not in a gross way just to have them rigidly  at your sides is just too awkward to watch. By no means am I saying a good grope is what you should be up to. Waist, Back, Hips, Neck these are all same places that will make the situation far less awkward. This was a little one, but it needed to be said.

4) DON’T FREAKING LIE

Just don’t do it. It’s not needed and your ass is gunna get caught eventually. If it’s about your job, relationship status, hobbies, fidelity just tell the truth. Chances are it doesn’t matter or if it does then better to get it out early rather than later. Just want to make the point that most of aren’t that great at poker. Meaning you have a tell, a sign that you’re lying and chances are its pretty damn obvious. So just tell the truth, it may not be as impressive and flattering but it is what’s necessary. Also there is no point in lying about things to make you seem like the perfect guy because it may backfire putting a girl off because she feels she could never compare to you or that you international basketball player & Brain surgeon will get bored with her. So do us all a favor and tell the bloody truth.

5)  CHECK PLEASE 

This may be  a bit of a controversial issue and there maybe a few girls reading this pulling their hair out and screaming about the twenty-first century. I am not saying girls should expect guys to pay and certainly not every time they go out, some women may not even want to be paid for. But it is a nice gesture, on the first date if the girl is treated. GIRLS do not kick up a fuss if he doesn’t pay, it is not law or the required thing and should be appreciated if it happens but not to be expected, so bring cash with you, don’t be ‘that girl’. Now the guy shouldn’t have to pay on every date and defiantly after the relationship has formed splitting the bill or even you treating him should be the done thing. Also guys don’t make a big deal out of it, be gracious and subtle, do not go on and on. I know it may seem like a small thing but it is the little things that can make a difference.