I don’t know if this is just emotional ranting or if I am about to say something truly profound (although it mostly likely will not be the latter) But I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest.
I find life so extremely difficult. I know this is true for most people and many are of the opinion that if life were easy then it would be boring, but I find it boring anyway. I find it difficult to show enthusiasm, interest or sincerity in my everyday life and am nearly of the attitude of just not caring. Everybody feels this way at times and the sexist among you will be diagnosing me with extreme PMS. But this isn’t a once in a while occurrence; I feel this way constantly; everyday of my life, every hour every minute to the point where I cannot breathe, my emptiness suffocates me.
It is true to say that these feelings are less severe when I feel close to a person and feel a connection I can trust, but it pains me to admit that this is not a frequent occurrence in my life. I have recently found myself in a new group of friends and it is the happiest and relaxed I have felt for a long time, but I am still missing that one person.
From the beginning of time stories has told of great couples, romantic or otherwise Adam & Eve, Clark Kent & Louis Lane, Will & Grace. All I want is that person. I feel so alone and incomplete. I just think that if I had that one person to talk to and confide in then life would not feel this overwhelming. But then I can’t put all of that on one person. ‘Hi lets go see a movie and be best friends, after that I am going to weigh down your already stressful life with all my problems and then you have to make it all better.’ Doesn’t sound like a winning lonely-hearts ad to me.
But as much as I long for that kind of relationship I will never let myself have one. I am private and conservative and for good reason. When you allow yourself to trust you open yourself up to being hurt and let down and when it happens you will have no one to blame but yourself because human nature is to let one another down. Regardless how hard we try to fight that, life is ultimately an individualist sport.
This emptiness is consuming me. Taking over .I am neither coming nor going.
I fear if it continues I will simply cease to exist.